November 2014 –we’d been in Cambodia over four months and things were going well. Our entire family had adjusted beautifully to our new country and life was going on as normal, except for the occasional tears over missing Chick-fil-A, Costco, and a certain tree in Texas.  After a full year of traveling for partnership development, we were finally able to have a normal family schedule, and I found myself in the routine of taking care of our family and trying to learn a new language.

Somewhere along the way I found that I was really enjoying killing mosquitoes with our electric tennis racket. There was a certain thrill from killing 5 in one swing – almost like using a punching bag or running hard on the track. Then one night when the kids asked me to chase them around their room before bed, I had an unusual burst of pre-bed-time energy, which they loved. But later I realized that it was not energy fueled by fun but energy fueled by anger. I had no idea what I was angry about, but I had no time to evaluate my situation, and I put the matter aside until later.

It wasn’t until I had a conversation with another missionary wife, one who had been in the country longer than I had, that I started to understand my situation. My friend talked about struggling with bitterness when learning Khmer — bitter that every night she had to sit down and study, and every day she had to take time away from her family to learn vocabulary and review grammar. Among all her other roles, she didn’t have time to enjoy being a mommy.

The light went on for me as I thought: me too! Though I was really enjoying learning a new language (isn’t that what tons of people write for a New Year’s resolution and here I was getting to do it), I found that I was angry at the time it took away from being a wife and mommy. I felt pressure to spend all my spare time studying. I was trying to study while watching the kids in the mornings and afternoons. I was rushing through the kids’ bedtime routine so I could study at night. I realized I hated the constant feeling that I had to go because I needed to study. I hated the feeling that I had to keep up with Josh’s language learning. I hated worrying about how people in the States were evaluating my language progress. I hated knowing that I had the ability to make fast progress but knowing that my primary roles of wife and mommy hindered me from doing that.

Studying a new language as a wife and mommy often means you have to sacrifice something: maybe it’s sleep, maybe time with your spouse or kids, maybe a clean house, or maybe just the feeling of being normal person — you name it. You can’t fulfill all your roles 100%: wife, mommy, language learner, human, etc.: something suffers.

So what did I do? – I chose to let my study time go. I still met with my tutor as normally scheduled, but if putting the kids to bed took too long and I didn’t have time to study afterwards, it was ok. I took to heart what one of our colleagues had told me: don’t stress about keeping up with language learning, you’ll get it in time. And with that small change my language-learning anger subsided.

Reflections: As I think about the pressure I felt with language learning (and sometimes still feel) I realize that much of it came from comments I heard back in the States: people sharing their impressions about other missionaries’ failures to learn the language or to be diligent enough in their study, people asking me if I was keeping up with Josh, people comparing missionary wives to each other, people sharing their model missionary stories. Talking to my missionary friend made me realize how much people on the other side of the ocean don’t know. Being here I realize that we have to be so careful when evaluating the progress of missionary wives unless we’ve been in their shoes; and even then we must be cautious in sharing our thoughts with others. Even I, who am currently wearing language-learning shoes, can’t sit and think something like, That women only has one kid, and a teenager at that! She should have no problem learning the language! I have no idea what is going on inside the home or heart of other women, and I need to be careful about evaluating situations I’m not in.

So for those on the home-front: be wise in your conversations with future or current missionaries, especially when talking about your perception of the others’ experiences. You never know the unintentional impressions or pressures you’re leaving with that person. For you moms in ministry: seek the Lord concerning your primary roles and stick to them. Don’t live with missionary-mommy guilt when you’re doing the work God has called you to. Do your best with language-learning and trust God to bless the seeds you’re planting. (Also: here’s a great blog post written by the husband of a friend of mine. )

Language learning progress comes and goes with me. Yes — I speak Khmer a lot everyday. But there’s still a lot I don’t catch and don’t know. There are some weeks I feel like I’ve made great progress. There are some weeks when I think I’ve forgotten everything and am pronouncing everything wrong (can I use pregnancy as an excuse!?). I can chose to be discouraged or I can chose to continue running the race God has put before me. I can’t put everything I have into language learning right now: it’s not my primary calling. But I can use the time God has given me to continue growing in my Khmer.