I wrote this post about two weeks before Ezra’s due date and planned to post it on the 16th. But he came before that. 🙂

I haven’t posted many pictures of my baby belly. That’s mostly because I’ve been too busy to even take many pictures of this one. It’s been an interesting pregnancy, starting with the car accident and concussion recovery, which made 1st trimester much harder than normal. (These pictures were taken at 38 weeks.)

This pregnancy has seemed longer than the others. Maybe that’s because I’m past the “35” mark (I think that makes me an old pregnant lady). Maybe it’s because the concussion. Maybe it’s because the Braxton Hicks started way early (somewhere in the 20 week range). Maybe it’s because these last several weeks I’ve had lots of nerve related pain. All that to say – I’m ready for this little one to come on out!

I’ve had several people tell me that they are praying that I make it to the hospital this time. I’m not. I’m praying for a intervention, surgery-free birth. I’d be very happy to have a safe, home-birth like last time. It’s quite thrilling. I really don’t like hospitals and if I could have a bathroom baby again, I’d be thrilled. Actually, I don’t even feel like I know how to have a baby in the hospital, since none of our births have been normal.

So now we wait. We arrived in Thailand about three weeks ago, leaving several days earlier than planned due to the Cambodian election. It seems like the weeks leading up to our departure were over full, including a trip to Phnom Penh to take the 10-year driver’s license test. Then I spent hours preparing our house for our absence (putting away things to prevent mold and rat damage). When we finally arrived in Thailand, I felt like I’d done everything except prepared to have a baby. It actually felt like I’d left all that stuff at home! (Note – though I enjoy the break of coming to Thailand, I’ve struggled with not being grumpy about having to leave the country to have a baby – it’s a lot of work!). Lord-willing our little one will be born without complication and by then I’ll be ready. (Picture on the right is from May 27, 2018.)

Adding another child into the family is always an adjustment. I love children, but every time we do it I think, “what in the world was I thinking?!?” It’s not so much additional human being to take care of…it’s the responsibility of caring for another soul from birth. It’s the gift of training a child in the way he should go. Not an easy task. Thankful God does not leave us alone to do His work.

We recently went to IKEA in Bangkok. Bangkok is not known for families with multiple children, so we were quite a sight. People often stop and count our children and say “WOW!” And we’re thinking, this is normal, right? Guess Bangkok isn’t know who families with multiple (3+0 children)!

Last month I celebrated my 36^th birthday (note – this is second time I’ve been pregnant on my birthday. Most of our children have been born before my birthday). It was Friday and I had made plans to meet with my Jarai ladies at church to go over their lessons with them. It was the last time I would be meeting with them before heading to Thailand, and I told them I would try to get through as much of John 14, 15, and 16 as I could to leave them with enough material to cover their lessons while we were out of the country.

Ok, I’ll be honest…I did not want to spend my late afternoon teaching John in Khmer. I didn’t feel ready to tackle those chapters. I was still tired from our Phnom Penh trip. But I went. The kids were glad I was going, since it gave them a chance to decorate for my birthday meal. Josh dropped me off at church (I’m still not a good stick-shift driver, especially with a pregnant belly!) and I walked up to meet with the ladies. And there they were, preparing lots of different fruits for us to snack on. They had no idea it was my birthday, but they wanted something special for my last meeting with them before we headed to Thailand. I was so touched by their thoughtfulness and kindness. Our friends don’t have much. But they had spent their money buying fruit at the market. After we finished the lessons, we enjoyed the fruit together. When Josh and the kids came to pick me up, they joined us, and we stayed an extra hour eating fruit.

The kids did a great job decorating the house with streamers a friend had just sent. We had a lovely meal of grilled chicken kabobs, salad (minus the lettuce), and potatoes. Becca made cherry bars for dessert. Then the kids all gave me cards and gifts they had made. Josh had a special wooden cross candle holder made for our Passion Week celebration. I’m looking forward to using it.

So now I’m 36. Is this where I imagined myself as 36? Can’t answer that, since I’ve never really been the kind of person who pictures the future. I’ve been married 10 years to my man. We have 4 – almost 5 – children (one preemie C-section, one regular C-section, one surprise VBAC, and one bathroom baby). I’ve been living in Cambodia 4 years. I feel way out of touch with life in America. I’m not a very cautious mommy (I figure our kids do all this dangerous stuff when I’m not watching them outside, so why should I restrain them when I’m watching them?). And currently I’m dealing with the aches of being close to having our 5^th child. Wow, zow – this one is a mover and shaker and seems to always be trying to punch a hole so he/she can escape. This little one knows just the nerves to put pressure on to make his/her mommy yelp.

36 years. And still lots to learn. Yards to grow. Tons to be sanctified. 36 years and thankful for the many gifts God blesses me with each day.

I love being a mommy – each life we’ve been given is a gift and is full of blessings. Joy. Laughter. Love. There are only a few things I value more than the gift of motherhood. But I’ll be honest…it’s not all joy, love, and laughter. Being a mommy is one of the toughest jobs I have. Why? Because I’m just a sinner saved by Jesus trying to lead other little sinners to know and love Jesus.

Yeah. Motherhood would be easy, if I were sinless. If I consistently loved like Jesus. If I didn’t want my love-tank to be filled by my children saying what a wonderful mommy I am. If I always returned good for evil. If I didn’t struggle with anger, impatience, selfishness, and pride (to name a few of my sins). If I didn’t have thoughts like how can you treat me like this after all I’ve done for you ALL day?!? If I didn’t struggle with those I just want to have fun with you – not disciple you thoughts.

I tell our children all the time, Mommy is just a sinner like you, trying to learn to be like Jesus…I just know how to sin in culturally acceptable ways and don’t throw fits. I speaking these words is important. It’s important for our children to know that I – Mommy – know I’m a sinner and that I need Jesus’ help just like they do. One reason is because I desire someday as adults, our children feel comfortable joining me in that journey of fighting sin and becoming more like Jesus. So someday when our daughters struggle as adults with anger, impatience, selfishness, and pride they don’t feel like they have a mom who doesn’t get it. No – she’s been there all along – a sinner trying to be more like Jesus and failing plenty of times. I want them to know that we are all in this battle together and that we can be more than conquerors through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I need Jesus. Everyday I fail and sin. Living with children 24/7 prevents me from deceiving myself into thinking I’m ok. When I preach to my children – I’m preaching to myself (wow – I can give some pretty convicting sermons!). I’m a sinner, saved by Jesus, and I desperately need His help everyday to fight my flesh.

Motherhood is a wonderful gift. We all love and cherish our children. But maybe one of the most important gifts it gives us is another opportunity to see how sinful we are and how desperately we need Jesus to help us turn from our sin and cling to Him.