Miscarriage: what if it happens again? This question haunted me after I finished going through a two-and-a-half-month miscarriage. This question was something I felt I must settle before another pregnancy. If God allowed a second miscarriage how would I feel about Him? Would my faith be damaged? Would I become angry with God?

I felt like I’d had my token miscarriage. I’d joined many many other women in the world who have miscarried their little ones. But a second miscarriage . . . .

I watched David Powlison’s response to the question, How do I think rightly about recurrent miscarriages?, finding nothing he said to be new. These were all things I knew already. But would I choose to believe them? This is the battle I fought. If in the future God allowed a second miscarriage, or even multiple miscarriages, would I choose to believe or disbelieve?

For me, getting pregnant after a miscarriage has always been nerve-wracking. I feel like the possibility of another miscarriage steals the joy of knowing a new life is (or may be) growing inside me. With Isaiah’s pregnancy I always spoke tentatively to Josh about “the baby.” I delayed taking a pregnancy test – better to miscarry before knowing for sure I’m pregnant. You might read this and laugh at my silly fears; in that case you’ve probably never had a miscarriage. Miscarriage brings a whole new set of fears into future pregnancies.

God is in control of all things and desires good for His people, but that doesn’t mean the good is going to be easy or painless. He doesn’t promise that a year later or even decades later the good will be evident. We live in a sin-cursed world, with pain and sorrow and suffering. This is not what God intended when He originally created the world – sin has made life hard. But someday Christ will make all things new and heal all broken hearts. We have the hope that someday when we see Jesus we will understand, and that will be enough.

It happened. A second miscarriage. Even though Isaiah’s pregnancy had been picture perfect I was still very tentative about our fourth child. I used the words maybe and if  when referring to the baby due December 10th. The day I actually started feeling confident about the baby was the day my miscarriage started. The timing was terrible: Josh’s Ph.D graduation weekend, Mother’s Day weekend, and moving weekend.

What I am about to write next is not an expression of faithlessness in God. My purpose is not to talk about the faithfulness and goodness of God. It is not meant to produce pity in readers. It is not something I particularly wish to discuss with those who have not experienced a miscarriage. I do not want replies or comments. I am writing this for the woman who will have a miscarriage in the future. I am writing this for the woman who has already had miscarriages. You are not alone. The questions, struggles, and feelings you battle with are not wrong, they are normal.

Here are some of my thoughts during and after miscarriage: Why does God allow a life to begin growing and the joy to start, only to take it away? Why do I have to deal with dreadful physical pain on top of the emotional pain? Why does God allow women to have multiple births out of wedlock and I have miscarriages? Am I not a good mommy? Have I not been faithful with the two children I have? Is this because of sin? Haven’t we been through enough for a while with Becca’s premature birth, a first miscarriage, and then Becca’s tumor?

The months go by and life has been busy. I often forget. And then I’ll see a friend updating her belly pictures on fb and remember that should be me. I’ll read something about how many weeks someone is and then remember that’s about where I would have been. I see pregnant women and think that should be me. I’m not bitter or jealous – I rejoice with the gifts God is giving these mothers. But, it’s a sad reminder of something I’ve lost.

I recently heard a song writer talk about how people don’t share their struggles with others. We talk about things that happened years ago, but we don’t like to talk about our struggles when we’re in the midst of them. I know why I don’t. I don’t want to hear someone try to empathize with me when they really don’t know how I feel. I don’t want someone to quote me the verses that I already know when all I want to do is just talk without getting a reply. I want to be happy and strong and in control. But I’m not. I struggle. I cry. I get angry. The reason I’m recording these thoughts is so maybe they can encourage someone who is going through the same thing. You might look at me and think she’s got it all together and has such cute kids too. But know that I have struggled with miscarriage. I have and am asking God those questions. I fear a third miscarriage. I weep for you. You’re not alone. You share a bond with millions of women who have lost children through miscarriages. May God give you grace and peace to bear the loss He has chosen for you and to come forth as gold.