While traveling for Partnership Development, we’ve enjoyed spending time with family and friends, as well as making new friends. We have been blessed by the hospitality of many people and are so thankful for their kindness to us.

Last week we went to the National Children’s Museum. Both kids enjoyed spend time there – Isaiah loved driving a Tuk Tuk. We figured he’ll fit right in in Cambodia.

The week before we visited by brother’s girlfriend at Georgetown University. Both kids enjoyed running around the campus.

Miscarriage: what if it happens again? This question haunted me after I finished going through a two-and-a-half-month miscarriage. This question was something I felt I must settle before another pregnancy. If God allowed a second miscarriage how would I feel about Him? Would my faith be damaged? Would I become angry with God?

I felt like I’d had my token miscarriage. I’d joined many many other women in the world who have miscarried their little ones. But a second miscarriage . . . .

I watched David Powlison’s response to the question, How do I think rightly about recurrent miscarriages?, finding nothing he said to be new. These were all things I knew already. But would I choose to believe them? This is the battle I fought. If in the future God allowed a second miscarriage, or even multiple miscarriages, would I choose to believe or disbelieve?

For me, getting pregnant after a miscarriage has always been nerve-wracking. I feel like the possibility of another miscarriage steals the joy of knowing a new life is (or may be) growing inside me. With Isaiah’s pregnancy I always spoke tentatively to Josh about “the baby.” I delayed taking a pregnancy test – better to miscarry before knowing for sure I’m pregnant. You might read this and laugh at my silly fears; in that case you’ve probably never had a miscarriage. Miscarriage brings a whole new set of fears into future pregnancies.

God is in control of all things and desires good for His people, but that doesn’t mean the good is going to be easy or painless. He doesn’t promise that a year later or even decades later the good will be evident. We live in a sin-cursed world, with pain and sorrow and suffering. This is not what God intended when He originally created the world – sin has made life hard. But someday Christ will make all things new and heal all broken hearts. We have the hope that someday when we see Jesus we will understand, and that will be enough.

It happened. A second miscarriage. Even though Isaiah’s pregnancy had been picture perfect I was still very tentative about our fourth child. I used the words maybe and if  when referring to the baby due December 10th. The day I actually started feeling confident about the baby was the day my miscarriage started. The timing was terrible: Josh’s Ph.D graduation weekend, Mother’s Day weekend, and moving weekend.

What I am about to write next is not an expression of faithlessness in God. My purpose is not to talk about the faithfulness and goodness of God. It is not meant to produce pity in readers. It is not something I particularly wish to discuss with those who have not experienced a miscarriage. I do not want replies or comments. I am writing this for the woman who will have a miscarriage in the future. I am writing this for the woman who has already had miscarriages. You are not alone. The questions, struggles, and feelings you battle with are not wrong, they are normal.

Here are some of my thoughts during and after miscarriage: Why does God allow a life to begin growing and the joy to start, only to take it away? Why do I have to deal with dreadful physical pain on top of the emotional pain? Why does God allow women to have multiple births out of wedlock and I have miscarriages? Am I not a good mommy? Have I not been faithful with the two children I have? Is this because of sin? Haven’t we been through enough for a while with Becca’s premature birth, a first miscarriage, and then Becca’s tumor?

The months go by and life has been busy. I often forget. And then I’ll see a friend updating her belly pictures on fb and remember that should be me. I’ll read something about how many weeks someone is and then remember that’s about where I would have been. I see pregnant women and think that should be me. I’m not bitter or jealous – I rejoice with the gifts God is giving these mothers. But, it’s a sad reminder of something I’ve lost.

I recently heard a song writer talk about how people don’t share their struggles with others. We talk about things that happened years ago, but we don’t like to talk about our struggles when we’re in the midst of them. I know why I don’t. I don’t want to hear someone try to empathize with me when they really don’t know how I feel. I don’t want someone to quote me the verses that I already know when all I want to do is just talk without getting a reply. I want to be happy and strong and in control. But I’m not. I struggle. I cry. I get angry. The reason I’m recording these thoughts is so maybe they can encourage someone who is going through the same thing. You might look at me and think she’s got it all together and has such cute kids too. But know that I have struggled with miscarriage. I have and am asking God those questions. I fear a third miscarriage. I weep for you. You’re not alone. You share a bond with millions of women who have lost children through miscarriages. May God give you grace and peace to bear the loss He has chosen for you and to come forth as gold.

Since my mommy is a wee bit behind and forgetful this week, I’m taking over today’s blog post to give an update on our travels. So far we’ve been in three different homes and everyone thinks I’m adorable. Partnership Development is really easy when you’re cute and most everyone wants to make you smile.

This week we’re in the DC area, and Becca and I are delighted with the government shutdown. We’ve been saved from going to museums and monuments and instead get to go to parks . We did make it to the National Museum of the Marine Corps last Monday before the shutdown – the fishing was great. And Daddy even dressed up like a Union soldier, which is funny, because he’s from South Carolina. Well, I better crawl back in bed before I wake anyone else up – all is well and the food is good. ~Isaiah

Yesterday we headed out for a few weeks of traveling for deputation. During this trip we’ll be in NC, VA, & PA. We appreciate your prayers as we are traveling and the kids are facing a lot of “news.” Please also pray that the Lord would burden churches to partner with us in our ministry to Cambodia.

I usually ask her how many braids she wants each time I do her hair. Two weeks ago she asked for 20 braids. Becca sat very still for her braids and I’ve redone them once since the initial braiding. She’s had 20 braids for over 2 weeks and it’s going to be hard to convince her that she can’t have 20 braids all the time.

The other day we did an experiment with colors.

This week we move into our last home in the States (Lord willing!) before we head to Cambodia. We’ve been living in the Cleveland Park Bible Church parsonage. This week we’ve moved into their missionary cottage. We are so grateful for the housing they are providing us during our time of deputation.

With all the traveling we’ve been doing we try to take some small breaks while on the road. Sometimes we just climb rocks, take pictures, and run around rest areas.

Other times we stop and see some sights. Last month we visited Hershey’s Chocolate World. We rode Chocolate World’s free ride two times. Becca loved getting free chocolate at the end of the ride.

One thing I’m learning about deputation is that our family time has decreased. Gone are the weeks we spent at home with lots of time for playing and going to parks. Our schedules have become quite packed. Since starting deputation we’ve tried to be careful to reserve days when nothing else is scheduled except a “normal” day at home. I’ve found that our kids seem to love these days – mommy too! (Nothing like playing with a bucket of water!)

When we arrived home from our last trip, Becca declared she wanted to “do school” all day. For Becca “school” means packing a backpack (sometimes with a lunch), walking out the front door, and coming in the side door to “school.” Recently Becca has been interested in patterns, so we played with patterns as long as the interest kept up.

After lunch we took a field trip to the spray pad. So far we’ve found Spartanburg a great town to live in. We’re thankful for the good location we’re in. We visited the library the other day (5 mins down the road) and were delighted with how nice it is.

Our “school” day ended with rest time and observing a butterfly on our porch. After Becca got home Josh asked her what her mommy did all day while she was at school. Becca replied: “she relaxed – which means she sat on the couch and read books!”

[P.S. from Josh: if you’ve tried to add comments to posts, but they never show up, could you let us know? Just shoot us a quick email. We heard from one friend that this has been a problem. We’d like to know if more people have experienced this.]

Living on the East Coast has increased our time spent with extended family. We’ve been able to have Josh’s family over twice. Both evenings we included some water activities for the kids.

We’ve seen my parents as we’ve traveled up North for services. They are very kind in letting us stay overnight to break up our driving.

Last week we were able to visit with my brother Dan and his wife Isabelle in Saratoga, NY. Dan & Isabelle treated us to a resort brunch, a steamboat ride on Lake George, and dinner downtown.

A few weeks ago we were able to get together with the Hanson family. Johanna and I became friends in 2004 and had a good many adventures before they moved to Boston. I had not seen Jo since our wedding. It was good to catch up face to face with Jo and be with their family. I’m thankful for the special friends God gives us.

We continue to enjoy getting together with friends and catching up on the past few years.

With our now very full schedule, it was a bit tricky to have my normal birthday celebration. So we’ve spread it out – ending a week ago Thursday with a meal made by Josh. I share a birthday with Dad Jensen, so on our birthday we celebrated together at his home. He turned 60 this year.

Three days later we had Mr. Moose over for dinner and had my cake for dessert. Josh made a delicious Brown Derby.

Last week Josh asked if I wanted my Josh-made birthday meal on Thursday. We fed and played with the kiddos and then had our meal after they went to bed – it’s my favorite way to “go out to eat.” Great food, great atmosphere, and happy children! I am blessed to have a sweet husband who took time amidst our busyness to make me a lovely meal and spend the evening with me.

We enjoyed our 4th year of participating in Chick-Fil-A’s Cow Appreciation Day. Isaiah was the only one who needed a new outfit – he’s a growing boy!

This is the first year we were able to celebrate with some cousins. The Erkens boys did a great job with their cow outfits.

We were also able to celebrate this year again with our friends Rene, Yani, and Amaris. They moved from Texas to South Carolina last summer, so we’re enjoying having our friends close by again!

We enjoyed our first week-long family vacation. We are so thankful to George and Nancy Corban who make Canaan Land available to ministry families. The week turned out to be very wet. We spent most of our time in our cabin during many downpours. We had lots of fun in our cabin playing hide-n-go seek, flashlight hide-n-go seek, Uno, Old Maid, tag, chase, having picnics, and making smores.

Tuesday afternoon it cleared up long enough for the camp train ride. Both kids enjoyed it, though Isaiah was a little nervous during the ride.

Friday afternoon we hiked down to School House Falls. Gummy Bears were are encouragement to make it all the way to the falls!

Since our cabin was farther away from the main camp campus, we were given a golf cart to travel around. The kids enjoyed riding around campus. We also enjoyed boating and playing in Noah’s Ark playground.

Josh and I had our 5th anniversary meal while at Canaan. Josh made a delicious meal and we enjoyed a quiet evening together. We’re thankful for the time we were able to spend as a family after the very busy months we had before. I’m especially enjoyed having lots of family time without any other pressures.

Isaiah took his first steps on June 24th. We were outside playing with chalk and he picked up some chalk and started walking away. For the next few weeks he preferred crawling, but last week he gave up crawling. We now have a walking and running little man in our home.

Becca and Isaiah enjoy playing our piano. One day when Becca was playing, Josh and I started dancing. Isaiah got really jealous because he wanted to dance with Mommy.

Isaiah participated in his first finger painting session – I believe the pictures prove it was quite a success!

My good friend Steffanie Arnold came for a visit. I enjoyed catching up with her and reliving some of our childhood memories!

Isaiah continues to be a happy little boy. He loves chasing Becca around our new home. He loves to eat and sleep and play. We’re so thankful for our boy.

While Josh and I were in Cambodia Becca and Isaiah spent time with their Grandpa and Grammy Sutter. We are very thankful for the way my parents gave up two weeks of their summer to watch over our children. We were glad to leave them in good hands. . .as Becca said, “Grammy knows what little girls like.”

Aunt Emily was a big hit with Becca and was greatly missed when she went off to CEF summer training.

Uncle Joey is now known as the uncle who gives candy canes at Christmas and Pepsi!

Uncle Sam, Aunt Ashley, and Cousin Colette came to visit for a day. My parents took them all to visit a farm.

Uncle Jon, Aunt Ashleigh, and Cousin Megan were up in PA for their summer visit.

Great Grandma Buecher spent several days helping my parents watch our kiddos. Isaiah enjoyed helping her walk Toby.

Great Grandma Sutter and Great Uncle John were able to visit with our kiddos when they were up for Emily’s graduation.

We were happy to return to Becca and Isaiah and so thankful for all the love and care they received while we were gone. (Picture on left is right before we left. Picture on right is when we returned from Cambodia.)

On Friday, we drove half an hour to Blang, a nearby Jarai village. The village is situated just off of the main road (paved!) that goes to Vietnam. There’s electricity running to a house or two in the village. We spent our time visiting with a Jarai Christian leader and his wife. The husband wanted to give us his testimony of coming to Christ: it’s a beautiful story of how the love of Christians was used by God to draw him to a firm faith in Christ. He spoke in Khmer (his second language), with J.D. interpreting for us.

Saturday lunch we had an EMU get-together at the Kanes’ home. It was helpful for us to spend time with the Crowleys, Kanes, and Farmers. All three families helped us get a good perspective on the challenges of transitioning to life in Cambodia. We were helped not only by asking questions but also by observing each family’s life together.

I especially enjoyed being with the MKs. These are a very special bunch of children!

Sunday morning we said goodbye to the Crowleys and went with the Farmer family to a Khmer village church. We had to leave the service early to start our 8-hour drive back to Phnom Penh so we could make our midnight flight back to the States.

We arrived safely in the States Monday afternoon without any flight delays. We are very thankful to be back with our precious children. We appreciate all your prayers for us as we traveled and appreciate your continued prayers as we seek churches and individuals to partner with us in our ministry to the Jarai.

One last picture: our mosquito netting in Ban Lung.

June 10^th – Monday we went to bed preparing to head to the Ratanakiri (a northern province) in the morning. However, that night the tone of our trip changed. . . Josh woke up sick with some sort of stomach virus. He spent all Tuesday in bed with little improvement. Wednesday Josh was weak and miserable, but we decided to try making it halfway to Ban Lung. Our plan was to drive four hours and stay in a hotel, then drive the next four hours on Thursday. Josh’s sickness lasted four days. Saturday he woke feeling better and actually showed a real smile. (Pictures below show our dinner at the hotel halfway to Ratanakiri – delicious! –  and JD’s breakfast there the next morning.)

There is something about sickness that drains the body and wearies the soul. God allowed Satan to fire arrows of doubt and discouragement at Josh during his time of sickness. Below is an except he wrote in our post Cambodia update:

My own impressions were colored quite a bit by jet-lag for the first couple days and then, as that was wearing off, the physical and emotional drain of being sick. I found the heat of Phnom Penh somewhat more oppressive than I’d remembered. I much preferred Ratanakiri, which is milder and greener.

Our survey made me painfully aware of how attached I am to comforts such as air conditioning, good water pressure, and clean bathrooms. I had prided myself (based on my previous two trips) on being adaptable and unattached to basic American luxuries. I’m now making it a matter of prayer and reflection to prepare my heart for the changes that await us in Cambodia. In many ways, this is basic Christianity, the willingness to suffer (or in this case, be mildly uncomfortable) for the sake of eternal goods.

What hit me most as Josh dealt with being sick and the discouragement that came with it was how hard it was for me to be strong for two . . . and how much harder it will be when we have kids here too. We will adjust to living in Cambodia (heat, language, etc) – it will become our loved home. Fighting discouragement and unbelief together as a couple and as individuals will be an ongoing battle. Pray for your missionaries – especially when they are fighting sickness. It is a time when Satan knows they are weak. . . praise the Lord that our God is always a strong tower of refuge.

One thing we did Thursday afternoon after we arrived in Ban Lung was to drive around the town with JD. JD took us up to a hill overlooking the area. . .a place where a giant Buddha was reclining. The view was beautiful – a fresh breath after being in Phnom Penh. God has called us to minister to the people of Cambodia. It will require us to give up much. Satan will tempt us to despair, but we can look upward and see the One who has made a way for us to approach into the throne of grace and call upon God to rescue us and give us grace to do His work for His glory.

Next week I hope to wrap up the summary of our visit to Cambodia – with pictures from our village visit, our time with the missionaries in Ban Lung, and a few pictures from a Khmer church service.

Gone fishing for the week – will continue Cambodia Chronicles when we return.

We arrived in Phnom Penh Saturday afternoon, 14 hours later than we expected. Jeremy Farmer picked us up and took us to his home so we could spend Saturday through Tuesday morning with his family. We had dinner with the Farmer family and their other guests (Bonnie Ruth’s mother, sister, brother-in-law, and niece) as well as JD & Taylor Crowley, and Yo Shirato.

Sunday we attended a Khmer church. Jeremy Farmer’s Khmer teacher translated the service for us over wireless headphones. Sunday afternoon I accompanied Bonnie Ruth to Lucky’s – a grocery store very similar to what we have in the States, except the prices at Lucky’s are much higher!

Monday Josh and I accompanied the Farmers as their family got some vaccinations. After that we visited the Russian Market. The Russian Market is an indoor market – think: dark, hot, and smelly. (It’s not Russian, however.)

Monday after lunch Josh and I took an 45-minute tuktuk ride to The Cheoungek Genocidal Center. It was a sobering experience.

Our impressions of Phnom Penh: it’s very hot, lots of concrete, not a lot of green, smelly. . .not exactly our dream place to live, but we will make it our home and adjust to Cambodian city-life. We plan to live in Phnom Penh for our first year or two in Cambodia while we study the Khmer language and surround ourselves with Khmer speakers.

Monday night our time in Cambodia took a turn – Josh woke up sick. . . (more next week).

Josh and I just returned from our trip to Cambodia – we have much to share, but for today I’ll simply share our Shanghai pictures. On our way over to Cambodia we had a 25-hour layover in Shanghai. We were able to leave the airport and spend the day with some college friends (Desiree Talbert and Natalie Cary). Desiree and Natalie both teach at  Shanghai Institute of Health Sciences. Both friends went out of their way to make us very welcome in China. We stayed in the guest suit and got a good night of sleep before we spent the day touring the city with Natalie, Desiree, and Mrs. Tufts (another member of the team there).

We’re very grateful for the friendship and kindness Natalie and Desiree showed us during our time in Shanghai.

Unfortunately, our 8pm flight from Shanghai to Cambodia was canceled because of bad weather. It was a crazy situation. There were several delayed flights in our gate area. It was crowed and hot. Eventually several of the Chinese people started expressing their frustrations over canceled flights, poor communication, and poor customer service rather loudly. The police were called 3 different times. Finally around 2AM Josh was able to get confirmation that our flight was indeed canceled. We spent what was left of the night in the airport and around 7AM figured out how to get our rebook tickets to fly out of Shanghai at 10AM.

Happy Father’s Day to our wonderful Daddy! We miss you and can’t wait to see you this week. Thanks for loving us and doing so many fun things with us. We love you!

June 1st was Isaiah’s 1st birthday. He didn’t seem too excited about having a party until he stuck his face in the cake. He loved his ice cream cake.

One of our favorite parts about Isaiah’s birthday was watching Becca help him open presents. Becca wanted to give Isaiah a dog. (She also helped pick the dog out.) She was so excited about it. After Isaiah opened the dog and held it, Becca squealed and said, “He’s so excited!” Becca also was very sweet in creating tabs on Isaiah’s presents for him to have easy tearing spots.

Can’t believe our little boy is 1!